With only ten minutes before the class was let out, I began to feel a slight rumbling of my stomach, and immediately realized that some unholy terrors were en route. Indeed, the demonic breakfast truly kept me awake, for I feared that if I failed to hold back the floodgates, a torrent of hellspawn would be released upon the lecture hall. Time began to slow down towards the final five minutes of the class, which is bad enough when one doesn’t have a small steam engine rushing through his intestines. My vision began to blur, and tears came to my eyes. After what seemed like an eternity, class was dismissed, and sighed greatly, knowing full well that I had saved all those people from complete annihilation. Oh, but the impending danger had not yet been cleared. Far from it. I had to make my way to the bathroom, or the government would be after me for exercising above-ground nuclear weapons testing.

I stumbled towards the bathrooms, but with such a feeling of pain in my stomach, I couldn’t see more than a foot in front of me. Finally, with great effort, I found the door, and found an open stall. Luckily there was no one in there, and I quickly began the process that can only be described as “uncorking the champagne.”

I was just finishing off the bottle, when I heard the door of the bathroom burst open, and the sound of scuffling feet enter the stall next to me. Words cannot describe the following, but I can say that the noises coming from the stall next to me shook me to my very core. My little stomach attack was but a fart in the wind compared to the downright Evil, green decay-stench coming from the next stall. The sound can only be described as a jackhammer pounding the left leg on a medium sized panda. I could visibly see the heat coming off of the wall of the adjoining stall, which was now glowing red. The toilet paper in the dispenser burst into flames, and the lights began to flicker. Green gas started flowing out from underneath, so that I had to pull my legs up over my head to keep from them melting the skin off the bone. The smell, oh God in heaven THE SMELL! It was all I could do to keep my sanity from shattering!

After an incalculable amount of time, the earthquake began to subside (though not without some slight tremors). The scuffling feet moved out through the newly formed hole in the wall, and faded off into the distance. I sat there for some time, not moving, for the shock had sent me into a delirium. Finally, after much mental strain, I managed to get to my feet, and stumble out through the stall door. Most of the smoke had cleared thanks to the newly formed hole in the opposite wall where the detonation had taken place). It wasn’t till I finally looked around when I noticed the lack of urinals in the bathroom. Upon leaving through the door, I looked up at the sign and noticed that I had, in fact, been in the WOMAN’S BATHROOM! I’ve heard that bad things can happen at certain times of the month, but from that day forward, I had a newfound respect and fear of those members of the opposite sex.